Tim Richman takes a frank look at the events that made 2008 an abomination. First up is politics.

Umshini Wami as an anthem for peace:

In May, "xenophobic" mobs brought shame and tragedy to South Africa, as they ran riot in the streets brutalising and murdering foreigners.

And they really ticked off Jacob Zuma who was upset with them for singing Umshini Wami while they did it. Upset and, apparently, surprised — which would make him the only person alive who could not have predicted the possibility of a song about machine guns being used as an accompaniment to violent crime in a country beset with violent crime.

Looking to 2009, JZ, here are some songs to avoid popularising among your supporters, whether in public appearances or as a ring tone:

Dubya's lack of comedic form:

What's the point of George W Bush if we aren't laughing at him? Remember these?

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
"Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?"
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
"They misunderestimated me."

Beautiful, Dubya. Beautiful. Timeless even. But old. Where's the new material, pardner?

For some reason Bushisms didn't make the headlines in 2008. What happened? It's not like he magically went and grew himself a brain, so we can only assume that he still put his foot in his mouth at every available opportunity. But he just didn't get the coverage like before.

No choking on pretzels, no falling off his bike, not even a "Yo Blair". Perhaps the Yanks were a little embarrassed about the fact that they've voted into office a somewhat dim gentleman not once, but twice*, and figured that if they ignored him he might just go away. Or at least stop making a mess of the free world for a while. So the only political news we picked up from the US this year was the race to see who'd replace him. Well, at least it had a happy ending.

• The appropriate Bushism here is, I believe, the legendary: "Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again..."

Hillary Clinton:

Ever heard of David Icke? British writer, a bit unconventional. Believes a 'Global Elite' of reptilian humanoids from the constellation Draco are trying to take over the world. Dubya, the Queen, Tony Blair — all lizard people.

You can't be sure if Mr Icke, who only wore turquoise for a time, came up with this theory before or after the broadcasting of B-grade '80s alien-invasion show V, about a race of reptilian humanoids trying to take over the world, but you can be reasonably confident that he's a raging crazy.

But then you look at Hillary Clinton — one-time US presidential front-runner and now the next secretary of state — and you think, well, maybe he's on to something.

The disbanding of the Scorpions:

In a country riddled and obsessed with crime, the elimination of the one crime-fighting unit publicly perceived to deliver at least a modicum of justice was enough to have the man in the street pulling out his hair.

And raising the question: does anyone, anyone at all, including the staunchest Jacob Zuma-supporting, brainless ANC Youth League minion, doubt that the Scorpions were targeted for termination for the sole reason that they have investigated too many scandal-ridden upper-echelon governmental types, and one in particular?

Ethnic categorisation:

Ah, SA politics... It's not just about black and white any more; it's ethnicity too. So you're only 'African' enough if you're properly black. You know, black black. Not charcoal, not midnight blue. Black! Coloured people just don't count any more. Which is odd considering that the Khoi and San were here first... Although that really is besides the point, isn't it?

The NP revival:

The New National Party was about trying very hard to cling to any last vestige of power in the '90s, whereas the new National Party is, as far as anyone can work out, about cashing in on white people's fears, promising satisfying public executions as often as possible and banning witches.

Whatever it is or turns out to be, the National Party has registered with the Independent Electoral Commission to contest the 2009 elections. Curiously, Juan-Duval Uys, the party's 'National Director Communication', has declared that the party will be inclusive and non-racist. So why then is he calling it the National Party, which based its core policy on being exclusive and racist?

Remember apartheid, Juan-Duval? That was the NP's baby.

Quiet diplomacy's standing as a theory that worked out in the end:

Which was a bit like saying that the British appeasement of Hitler in the 1930s worked. Certainly there was a bit of a bad patch — you know, the war and the Holocaust and 70 million dead — but by 1945 things were pretty much exactly where Neville Chamberlain would have wanted them.

Except there wasn't even peace in Zimbabwe when Pahad saw fit to pronounce on the ultimate success of quiet diplomacy.

Eight months and yet another stolen election later, and the situation north of the Limpopo is, if barely conceivable, worse than it was before: famine, water shortages, cholera outbreaks, public looting... and Mbeki still in charge of negotiations.

Come now, JZ, you kicked Thabo of the presidency. Surely, it's time to for one more phone call?

Robert Mugabe:

How to explain Thabo's continued devotion to, and public hand-holding of, a man seemingly committed to the eternal ruination of his country and people? Well, there is a theory doing the rounds.

One day a long time ago, back when the Struggle still actually existed, Uncle Bob walked in on Thabo giving Manto a good old-fashioned seeing to. Thabo was naturally somewhat embarrassed by the situation but swore both Bob and Manto to eternal secrecy. They agreed, on condition that Thabo would refrain from nagging about any misdemeanours, fashion faux pas and/or crimes to humanity that either of them may or may not commit in the decades ahead. On top of this, the recurring memory of Manto on the job slowly drove Bob insane. Et voilà! Three profound mysteries of our time solved in one go.

This theory is, of course, unproven, but give it some thought and you'll find it all adds up.

Morgan Tsvangirai:

He's not exactly the next Gandhi.

Julius Malema:

Of course, our chubby-faced rocket scientist isn't picking up our signal, and he hasn't been for a while. No-one who knew of his dire education record (never underestimate woodwork class!) and militant past would have been surprised to hear of his now-notorious 'kill' comments in June: "Let us make it clear now: we are prepared to die for Zuma. Not only that, we are prepared to take up arms and kill for Zuma" — which were later followed by league members chanting "Shoot to kill".

Of course, Malema tried the predictable out-of-context dismissal: "Don't impose liberal language [on us]," he declared. "We are using this [word] 'kill' to determine our passion and love in defence of the revolution."

Sorry, Julius, but that's the biggest lie since 'The Neverending Story' and anyone with — let's see — a matric exemption could work that out. The "take up arms" and "shoot to kill" bits kind of gave it away. And the later "elimination" talk wasn't fooling anyone, either.

Almost surprisingly, Jacob Zuma recently declared that his ingratiating minion had been told to calm down the nonsense talk. Seems the baton has been passed on to Free State ANC chairperson Ace Magashule, who sees fit to compare JZ to Jesus.

Or Lordy, what can we look forward to next year?

» Read more in 'Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Still Kak? 2Kak 2Furious' by Tim Richman and Grant Schreiber. Available in stores and online.