Here's a random fact: there are 3599 anagrams for the name Carl Niehaus. I've collected some of my favourites? A Sale Urchin. Aha Cruel Sin. A Leach Ruins. Carnies Haul. Cash Ale Ruin. Such Anal Ire.

Oh?hang on?I seem to have skipped the intro. Another ANC official caught with his fingers in the cookie jar? Carl Niehaus ? that honey-voiced spin-doctor? Never!

Right, I'm back on track. In the news this week: Carl Niehaus vies for the presidency; the opposition embraces the chubby form of Julius Malema; and Trevor Manuel is overcome with jealousy at the sight of Helen Zille's smooth cheeks.

PRESIDENT NIEHAUS

Proving once and for all that he too is worthy of the highest office in the land, Carl Niehaus came clean about his cookie-snatching ways when his only (perfectly acceptable) alternative was to blatantly deny the evidence and shout 'conspiracy'.

The former spin-doctor extraordinaire even took responsibility for his actions. Yes folks, responsibility.

"I have been mortified that I allowed myself to even think along those lines and allowed that to happen for that short time (ahem) that I did."

"Ultimately I am (an) adult and I am a person who should take responsibility, and I take responsibility for my own actions, I do not want to make anyone else responsible or blame anyone else."

Ah, if only that were all. I, for one, would have been forced to re-evaluate my opinion of the man?well, sort of. As it happens, my smugness remains intact.

Just days after his confession, Niehaus delivered an 'explanation' through his lawyers.

"Carl Niehaus has today sought professional assistance in the two areas vital to dealing conclusively with his personal situation and reconstructing his life. He is seeking psychological counselling to assist him in dealing with the long-term and deeply negative affects of his time spent in prison for his principled opposition to apartheid."

Prison makes you lie and steal? Ah, well, that explains a lot?

THE GRAND HERO

Our friend Julius has been unusually quiet this week. Sure, there was one comment to a bunch of school kids about how students excelled last year because the teachers at one particular school "do not sleep with learners", but nothing juicy.

Luckily oppositions parties (and opposition with the ANC) took the momentary lull in verbal diarrhoea to express their thoughts on the young man whose influence to IQ ratio baffles mathematicians.

"While we commend (the) ANC for temporarily taming Julius Malema, it has been too late. He should have been tamed right at the beginning?" said Cope spokesperson Siyanda Mhlongo. "We request the ANC to send Malema for therapy and urgently re-mould his manners."

Hmm?perhaps he can share a therapist with Mr Niehaus.

The IFP's Koos van der Merwe took a slightly more humorous approach.

"On behalf of all opposition parties I wish to pay tribute to the Grand Hero of all Opposition parties ? Mr Julius Malema. Never in the glorious history of this land have opposition parties had such a magnificent organiser canvassing votes by the thousands for opposition parties.

"Never in the history of the ANC has any human being effectively sabotaged the ANC as much as our Grand Hero Julius Malema. You will go down in political history as the Grand Hero of the Opposition and the Magnificent Mampara of the ANC."

Clearly subscribing to the same school of thought, an ANC MEC for public works, Christian Martin, made this enticing offer.

"All political parties have their own mavericks as every family has an individual whom you would rather not have at home when there are visitors of note. I am willing to sponsor a flight for Malema to Timbuktu until after the elections."

Party-pooper.

JEALOUSY MAKES YOU NASTY

Clearly upset at no longer being the opposition's favourite ANC son, Trevor Manuel has taken to emulating Julius Malema. Daringly, he tested out his new technique in front of the Grand Hero's favourite crowd ? a Cosatu rally.

"You know there are some parties?you ask them about this, they say: 'crisis, what crisis. We don't know that there's a crisis'. They'll say to you, 'we've been too busy campaigning to know that there's a crisis'. Or, 'maybe our leader's gone for new Botox or something, we're too busy to consider this crisis'."

Ooh Julius, you'd better watch your back. And Maria, you might want to chat to your new hubby about his wandering eye ? it all starts with a nice smooth cheek and brow?

Trying to outdo Malema's outstanding idiocy to word ratio, Trevor continued onto a topic that the Botoxed-one has already claimed as her own.

"It's chemical warfare launched against our people. We must act to root it out. It's weapons of mass destruction against the children of workers."

Anthrax? Mustard gas? Nope, folks, he's talking (if you can call it that) about drugs. This Bush-meets-Malema diatribe raises three very important questions:

  • Launched by whom?

  • What about the children of the unemployed?

  • Is Trevor already cracking under the strain of marriage?

    • The answers: (1) The Third Force (2) Who cares? (3) No?he's just struggling to come to terms with his own secret desires for cosmetic surgery.

    What has The Point missed? Share your thoughts below?