Uncle Bob's been celebrating his birthday this week. Yip, people, it's the big 85 and in a time of economic recession and infrastructure collapse, Bob and his cronies thought it fit to round up a week of celebrations with a big birthday bash.

Bob's Bash checklist: 2000 bottles of champagne? Tick. 8000 lobsters and ducks? Tick. Cronies? Tick. Donations (of rice, tomatoes and potatoes) from the starving masses? Tick. Cattle and cash? Tick War vets? Tick. Helicopter? Tick.

Oh yes, it's going down and with a price tag of $100 000 (the US kind), it damn well better be. In other news: Morgan Tsvangirai recently appealed to the South African government for $5-billion in aid to jump-start the Zimbabwean recovery?

Don't get me wrong, Mugabe ? as we know ? is all about the people? mainly about stripping them of the wealth, health and happiness? but about them all the same. How do we know this?

Zanu-PF youth leader (oh yes, it would seem our less-advantaged neighbours have them too) was quoted as saying: "It is not a feast per se, but an event where youths have a chance to meet their hero. This inspires them to emulate his exemplary qualities of nation building, patriotism and principled leadership." Talk about blind loyalty.

Bob's got it all

So, what do you get a birthday boy who's got it all? A country? A mansion? A posse of war veterans? Nope, Bob's already got that covered. And more:

  • Zimbabwe

  • Mansion in Hong Kong

  • Chinese arms

  • Millions stashed away in Asian bank accounts

  • Birthday messages (The Herald ran five pages)

  • Young, well-heeled wife

  • Daughter studying in Hong Kong

  • Sadc in the palm of his hands

  • Bragging rights over Tsvangirai

  • Posse of crazed war veterans

  • Vote rigging

Bob has everything that money can buy, so how about getting the old man a gift that is priceless? or something that he really needs.

How do solve a problem like Mugabe?

Mugabe is 85-years-old, he should be knitting with his age group not running a country. Grace, please book the old guy into a retirement home and warn them not to elect him to any position of power otherwise he will manipulate the results.

Bob has an obsession with all things British ? we could hook him up with a voucher for tea with the Queen and they could make small talk over scones about cholera, inflation and that darn Gordon Brown.

Make a movie titled "85-year-old Loser" ? get Julius Malema to play the young Mugabe. I'm pretty sure that will be Oscar-winning stuff.

A one way ticket into space, Uncle Bob has proven that he can't co-exist with other humans. Get him as far away from the human race as is scientifically possible.

On a serious note, get him a heart. Yes, a heart because he really needs one. How can you throw a bash when your people are facing starvation? Zimbabweans do not know where they will get their next meal but their leader thinks it's okay to throw lavish parties. What exactly are we celebrating?

It'll be hard to find, but we could get Bob a conscience. That's the only thing that could prevent him from destroying Zimbabwe any more that he already has.

Alternatively, get him to a psychiatrist so that he can stop hallucinating about the West. Bob, they have their own issues to deal with, so relax they are not plotting to take over your little patch of heaven. You've destroyed Zimbabwe, there's nothing left!

Lastly, Dear Lord, grant Mugabe a soul as he desperately needs one.

What would you give Bob? Share your thoughts below?