I have found the quote to beat all quotes. It almost makes the exercise of writing this column futile. For when will I find another quote that brings me so much joy? Nicely-weighted and carefully-worded, it has a little something for everyone. I am almost tempted to vote IFP. Yip, it's that good.

But more on that later.

For now, let's focus on that chap whose security costs this country the equivalent of about 20 RDP houses a month. Yes, I'm talking about he who has shoved the ANC right up there next to cleanliness.

PARTY OF THE CHURCH

The one who is oft compared to the Messiah (admittedly by delusional lackeys), declared following the latest religion/politics hullabaloo that the church's support for the ANC was an "unequivocal biblical declaration that if God is for us who can be against us."

It's okay. Relax. Take a few deep breaths. Right. Now, let's look at that statement a little more closely.

Point one: the Bible stopped declaring anything new a good few centuries ago. Yip, it's been pretty much the same stuff year in and year out for a while now. Strangely, I have never come across any endorsement of the ANC. Perhaps I need to brush up on my biblical trivia.

Point two: the word 'if' is quite important in this sentence.

Point three: assuming points one and two were valid, the answer to the implied question is 'everyone who doesn't believe in God'.

And finally, point four: the 'church' in this particular instance is Rhema Church. Yip, the very same church that employed the services of a certain Carl Niehaus. Rhema's chief whip…er…I mean the esteemed Pastor Ray McCauley, who encouraged his congregation for pray for our leader. Nope, not President Motlanthe, our other leader.

"We pray for peace in our nation… we pray for our leader and we pray for absolute peace during the election. Bless him, keep him protected, guide and lead him."

Yes. I know what you're thinking. The folks over at Rhema really need to brush up on their praying technique. But give them some time — in this case guidance and leadership may take a little longer than a week.

Look on the positive side: the church has assured us that there was nothing political about Zuma's visit. And it is the church, so take it as an "unequivocal biblical declaration".

"He was not here to talk about the manifesto of the ANC, he spoke about poverty alleviation and the role of the church… it had nothing to do with the election," said church spokesperson Vusi Mona.

Except, of course, for those bits about the elections and 'our leader'.

PARTY OF THE PEOPLE

While Msholozi is trying his best to market the ANC as a denomination of the church, Cope is doing its utmost to prove that it really is a party of the people. When Cope finally rolled out its election posters (just two months after everyone else), presidential candidate Mvume Dandala gave the following explanation:

"We would have loved to have put up our posters earlier, but Cope is experiencing what South African people are experiencing — a shortage of resources. We understand the problem of poverty. We are not flush with resources. We are a party of the people."

Cheeky. But he ignores the fact that while the party may not be 'flush with resources', some of the founding members certainly are. Speaking of founding members, Terror Lekota has a few quips of his own.

"At the point when the masses, men and women who are supporting them are expecting better services… no, they want to reward the past but human beings don't eat history, they don't sleep in history."

No, but that doesn't stop at least half the population living there.

The Point has a personal blacklist. Whenever someone says something completely and utterly idiotic, they are blacklisted. Most politicians are on the list. It also features a large number of celebrities, a few religious leaders, and my grade four teacher. Once you are on the list, nothing you say can ever be taken seriously again.

It just so happens that all of the following are already on the list.

"You can't say so many officials, all the way up to the minister, were all corrupt and dishonest and wanted to smuggle a prisoner out, it can't be." — Zuma on Schabir Shaik's medical parole.

"The members of the ANC have chosen a corps of cadres who have the experience, resolve and credibility to serve the South African people capably and with diligence." — Jessie Duarte on the ANC's decision to include Winnie Madikizela-Mandela on their candidate list.

"The bottom line of the story is major racism by the Democratic Alliance. They know about those issues but they decided to raise it because in their small minds Jacob Zuma is guilty as charged." — Zuma's spokesperson Zizi Kodwa on the DA's parliamentary question on the amount spent on JZ's security detail. Admittedly, I have never heard of Zizi Kodwa, but, by extension, Msholozi's spokespeople have an honorary spot on the list. Small minds, I know.

"If I look at the new leaders who will come and who will actually rule South Africa, I know it is impossible. We are going the same way as the rest of Africa, the way the Mugabes and all those people go." — Eugene Terre'Blanche on why he won't vote. Not that it really matters what he was talking about… it's Eugene Terre'Blanche.

THE BEST QUOTE… EVER

And now… the moment you've all been waiting for. A pearl of wisdom from the irrepressible Mangosuthu Buthelezi. Savour it, cherish it.

"I have heard that some people are saying the no, let's put in the provincial ballot for the IFP and the national one for Mr Zuma because he's a Zulu. That is utter nonsense. That is absolute hogwash. That is absolute balderdash. That is absolute poo. We need both ballots for the IFP."

Now that's an orator. The words 'hogwash', 'balderdash' and 'poo' in one quote — priceless.

The Point challenges you to use the words hogwash, balderdash and poo in a sentence. Go on, you know you want to…