After voting for so many years, your choice of party has come down to the "anything but them" process. But there still isn't a party that caters to your needs. The DA seems to be too larney, the ID can't stop playing Sherlock Holmes and the ANC… well, let's not go there.

But what if there were a party that represented you, that wasn't corrupt and that actually did stuff? Well, there isn't... but you could always form your own party.

First and foremost, your party needs a name. Any combination of Democratic, Independent, Labour, Socialist or Communist just won't cut it. Because let's face it, the Democratic Socialist Movement is a hackneyed name that no-one will remember. Perhaps something a little catchier, something that has nothing to do with political jargon, perhaps something like eThekwini ECOPEACE. Failing that, going for shock value may be the best tactic, as is the case with the Pro death Penalty Party. However, if that is too shocking for you, how about an acronym à la KISS (Keep It Straight and Simple)?

The logo

Creating a suitable logo for your party is key — any rip-off of the American Democrats' logo will work well (check out the DA's new symbol). For those who really want to draw attention to their parties, avoid symbols with 'deeper' meanings — symbols such as crosses, stars and cartwheels are definite no no's. Shower heads, justice-personified and blue-lights are perfectly acceptable however.

Making your own rules

The next step is to form a good Constitution, no easy task considering a particular former financial advisor's poor state thereof (see what I did there?). Having an unusual charter is a big gamble. After all, the Boerestaat Party, with its rejection of universal suffrage, won't exactly enjoy the support of the masses. As noble as it may be, choosing to represent minorities is a dim-witted move. Unless you choose to represent minorities that are concentrated in certain areas, i.e. the Coloured and Indian populations, you are doomed to failure.

Of course, money is something of a prerequisite. At R540 000 a pop for parties wishing to contest elections at all levels, funding is a must. But don't despair, the laws surrounding private funding mean that the practice is just that. Oilgate, eat your heart out. Of course, you could always take out a loan and use the taxpayer's money to pay it back. When in doubt, turn to a foreign corporation dabbling in arms…

A deed of foundation signed by 500 registered voters is a must. Don't be afraid to provide incentives, ideally, a bus trip with the promise of food vouchers. But an inspection of a potential voter's house followed by an "Eish Ma! This is bad" should suffice.

The final challenge

Once registered, there is but one challenge remaining — winning some votes. Placing posters on lampposts works, and you can easily assert your dominance over other parties by placing your posters above others, preferably obscuring the better half of your rival's face. Removing election posters after the polls is a strictly optional affair.

The key to winning an election is the media — control the media, control the minds as the old adage goes. For proof of this, one only has to turn to the Zanu-PF party; a party so extraordinary it actually caused a rip in the space-time continuum and transported us to a parallel universe; a world where Saint Robert Mugabe is revered, the people of Zimbabwe are all perfectly content and the cholera outbreak is a ploy of western nations to sabotage uncle Bob.

Attracting grassroots support is perhaps the most important challenge facing a new political party. Don't be discouraged though, as there are many ways in which to do so. Don't be afraid to proudly mention that a friend of a friend's uncle was arrested in the 80s — forget the fact that it was for stealing a cellphone. And forget the fact that cellphones didn't exist back then. The point is that people see apartheid-era detainees as heroes and heroines, so milk it for all it's worth. Don't forget to thank rival politicians who attempt to reveal the truth, because there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Once the dust has settled and the election results are made available, all that remains is to bask in the glory — or demand a recount. Never mind the fact that your party barely garnered a percentage of the vote. Just play the racism card and, if you happen to be white, claim to be related to Cheeky Watson.

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