It's pretty much been a bumper month for spirituality down here in Africa. First up: Zuma campaigning from the pulpit. Hot on his heels: the Pope holding mass and spreading mass confusion about contraception and Aids. And now: the Dalai Lama spreading peace and compassion at a football conference. Ah no… wait… scratch that.

Yes folks, less than two days after South Africans patted themselves on the back for the farce that is Human Rights day, the chaps in the collective known as our government decided to bar the Dalai Lama from the country. Yip, we're talking about the revered Nobel laureate, campaigner for human rights and… uh… religious leader.

Could it be that the ANC feared His Holiness would sway the Buddhist vote? Could it be that having the ANC's messiah and the incarnation of a fully-realised Buddhist Master in the same country at the same time would cause a cataclysmic spiritual explosion?

Probably not. But that would, at least, provide a more convincing argument than that fielded by China's lackeys.

THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF SA

Here's what the government spokesperson Thabo Masebe had to say: "The position we took is that inviting the Dalai Lama at this stage would not be in the interests of South Africa."

And just in case you were wondering.

"The decision was made by the government and not by the People's Republic of China."

Well, I can name a few things that are certainly not in the interests of South Africa — religious freedom, human rights, global reputation, peace. Should I go on?

Luckily a few real South Africans rose to the occasion and told the government (yes, that's of South Africa, not the People's Republic of China) that they're a bunch of spineless sissies. And no, I'm not just talking about opposition parties, who have the unfortunate occupational hazard of chiding the ANC on a daily basis.

"If His Holiness's visa is refused, then I won't take part in the coming 2010 World Cup-related peace conference," said Archbishop Desmond Tutu. "I will condemn the government's behaviour as disgraceful, in line with our country's abysmal record at the United Nations Security Council, a total betrayal of our struggle history. We are shamelessly succumbing to Chinese pressure. I feel deeply distressed and ashamed."

From one of the event's organisers and the grandson of our favourite Nobel laureate, Chief Mandla Mandela:

"This rejection by the government to not issue a visa, is really tainting our efforts at democracy. I am very saddened that somebody like the Dalai Lama is being turned down… I don't think that as a sovereign democracy (sic) country, we need to succumb to international pressure."

And, in a surprise move, a lone voice from within the Cabinet.

"The fact that this government has refused entry to the Dalai Lama is an example of a government who is dismissive of human rights," said Health Minister Barbara Hogan. "I believe [the government] needs to apologise to the citizens of this country, because it is in your name that this great man who has struggled for the rights of his country… has been denied access."

Perhaps I should have said 'former health minister'. Yip, it didn't go down too well…and we all know what happened to that other minister in the health department who broke ranks.

"The comments of the minister of health were rather unfortunate in the sense that this position on the Dalai Lama is an official position of this government," said yet another (I suspect cloning) government spokesperson. "It is unfortunate that the minister chose to go to a public platform to attack a decision of government when she, in fact, is a member of that collective."

I too can use the word 'unfortunate'. It is unfortunate that there was only one minister in our entire Cabinet who had the guts and integrity to stand up for what is right. It is even more unfortunate that she probably won't be there after the election.

Further proof of South Africa's undying commitment to human rights: the election violence in KwaZulu-Natal.

Yip, 'free and fair' is a flexible term and there's a whole lot of elasticity before we hit the stamp of 'free and fair' that our collective gave to Uncle Bob's collective. Neither of which have anything, whatsoever, to do with the collective otherwise known as the People's Republic of China.

So… back to that squabble between the ANC and the IFP.

"This arrest confirms the ANC's worst fears that the IFP is either in the hands of thuggish elements or the party's leadership has totally lost control of the party," said spokesperson Senzo Mchunu.

That's the ANC's worst fear? And all this time I thought it was Helen Zille… and I'm not alone. It would seem that Julius Malema also missed out on that memo.

"We are not afraid of the IFP (see what I mean?). We take them head on. We are the government, they are the opposition."

The two sentiments are, of course, totally unrelated, but our friend Senzo goes on further to say: "We want to prevent further loss of lives, and one of the things we want if this continues is the deployment of the army to hotspot areas. There should be a shield to protect innocent people."

Hmm… what is the theme of this week's column? Ah, yes, human rights.

IN THE INTERESTS OF SOUTH AFRICA

Human rights are nothing without safety, which is why crime is such a hot pre-election topic. From a guy who knows what the inside of a jail cell looks like…

"Of course violent crime occurs more frequently outside the leafy, affluent suburbs of the DA constituency in Cape Town. Neither the DA nor the ANC have managed to make any significant impact on crime in the Western Cape. Both parties have had ample opportunity."

Now, this is probably just the cynic in me, but where exactly does former ANC member Allen Boesak live?

Whether or not he is correct about violent crime in the leafy suburbs is unfortunately privileged information, because the government is refusing to release the crime stats. This has absolutely nothing, whatsoever, to do with the elections.

"We believe that other political parties have nothing to do now. They have run out of ideas and they want to politicise something that is very emotional to all South Africans," ministry spokesperson (yes, another one) Panyaza Lesufi said.

And although the government had promised to release crime stats every six months, they were exempt this time around because "the current minister has not even spent six months in office so within six months, we will release those statistics."

It would appear that Mr Lesufi cannot count. This would be particularly unfortunate if he has anything to do with compiling the statistics… but it would explain a lot.

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