Cue birdsong, dancing crockery, the purest of heroines, a dashing prince charming and singing. The singing is a must. Yes folks, you have inadvertently wandered into a Disney animation, where politicians… well… they don't really exist now do they?

Villains, yes, there are definitely villains. But politicians are just so predictable — any self-respecting child would storm out of the cinema (or at least stick bubble gum in the hair of the kid in front of them) long before the animated politicians made it through the second paragraph of their long-winded speech on the budget deficit.

But I bet Walt never picked up a South African newspaper. Now, there's entertainment — heroes, villains and singing politicians all rolled into one. Did I mention there was singing?

BAMBI

Yip, you know this one — big doleful eyes; habitat under threat; men wielding guns…

"To say anything against the Dalai Lama is, in some quarters, equivalent to trying to shoot Bambi," said Trevor Manuel who may very well have been deprived of the Disney classic as a child.

"Let's put our cards on the table. Who is the Dalai Lama? I've heard him described as a god. I've heard him described as Buddha. Is he just the spiritual leader of the Buddhists in Tibet, or is he the one who on 28 March 1969 established a government-in-exile in the same way as Taiwan was established to counter the reality of a single China."

A tricky question. Did the Chinese censors also ban Bambi? Bambi — the one wearing the orange robes and old-fashioned specs — was all apologies.

"Then I said, it doesn't matter. I always work on the principle I don't want to create any embarrassment or inconvenience. Because of the Chinese refusal, there was much publicity. So, ultimately I have to thank the Chinese."

Bang. Bang.

To sum it up, in the words of Desmond Tutu: "When Trevor Manuel tried to justify it and was so sneery, I said 'Aikhona! This can't be what we struggled for."

ROBIN HOOD

Robbing the rich to give to the poor. No, no… that can't be right. Robbing the poor to give to the rich. Robbing the rich and poor to give to… Ah well, whichever way, the basics are the same: Jacob Zuma, the rich, the poor and a redistribution of wealth.

Yip, South Africa's very own Robin Hood, is all about the stopping corruption in the interests of the people.

"A person commits fraud, and he suspended (sic) with full pay. We need to change that. Why do we have to pay someone sitting at home?"

And having won the hearts of the rural poor, the urban poor (and pretty much everyone but the white middle class), JZ extended his patronage to the Afrikaner race.

"Of all the white groups that are in South Africa, it is only the Afrikaners that are truly South Africans in the true sense of the word. Up to this day, they don't carry two passports, they carry one. They are here to stay. It is the only white tribe in a black continent or outside of Europe which is truly African, the Afrikaner."

Yes, he really said that. And he wasn't even wearing tights or a crossbow.

PINOCCHIO

Life would be so much easier if we were all made out of wood and grew longer noses every time we told a lie.

'I did not have sexual relations with that woman.' Phweeet.
'Personally, I don't know anybody who has died of Aids.' Phweeet.

Onto another (totally unrelated) topic: the ongoing saga of Judge John Hlophe and the Constitutional Court judges. When Hlophe didn't pitch up for a scheduled hearing with the JSC, his lawyer Vuyani Ngalwana offered the following excuse.

"He has been unable to be here today because he has a mischievous bout of influenza." Phweeet.

In response, a lawyer for two of the Constitutional Court judges, Mbuyiseli Madlanga, replied: "The mind just boggles. We do not understand this at all. (phweeet) Without suggesting impropriety or anything (phweeet), but this is beginning to look like not wanting that the matter go ahead, unless… there is a logical explanation."

I, for one, am with Judge Hlophe on this one. Phweeet.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Cinderella? No. Sleeping Beauty? No. Snow White? No. Tinkerbell? Nope. Okay, okay, clearly Helen Zille just doesn't fit the mould of the helpless Disney heroine. Beauty (no botox treatment is wasted) and the Beast is just going to have to do…

Ah, I know what you're thinking… and no… the Beast is not Robin Hood. It is our unruly democracy. Admittedly, it does look an awful lot like the ANC.

After the DA submitted representations to the NPA on why Jacob Zuma should be charged, Zuma retaliated: "It is hypocritical to say you respect the Constitution and the rule of law and when the processes of the law are happening within the law… both the accused and the NPA are operating within the law, why do you jump and interfere? You even attack a decision that does not exist."

Beauty responded.

"Yesterday, Jacob Zuma told me to 'back off'. Well, I have news for him: I will never do that. I will continue to hold him and the ANC to account. That is my responsibility as the leader of the official opposition and it is my duty as a citizen. The fact of the matter is that Jacob Zuma has a case to answer in court."

How can so much righteous indignation be wrong?

THE LION KING

Ah, now here's something we can really relate to: an African animation. There's the legendary Mustafa (Nelson Mandela), the evil uncle Scar (take your pick), Pumbaa (Julius Malema) and Timon, Simba (we are not there yet) and Rafiki. Now, if ever South Africa had a Rafiki, it would undoubtedly be Desmond Tutu.

"In the year of Obama, can you imagine what it is like when you are walking in New York and they ask you who will be the next president… At the present time, I can't pretend to be looking forward to having him as my president," said Tutu about the prospect of a Zuma presidency.

"For his own sake, I hope they are not going to have a political solution. If he is innocent as he has claimed to be, for goodness sake, let it be a court of law that says so."

And, joining Beauty in the fight for a strong democracy, he added: "It was easy to be against something (during the struggle). A far more difficult task has been left to you — making a reality of our freedom. So when our new government behaves somewhat strangely, it is very difficult to condemn because it looks like you are unpatriotic… we are at a bad place right now in our country."

Perhaps. But all Disney films end happily ever after, so hang in there.

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