The Point has a theory about State of the Nation addresses. It involves milliners. Yip, that's about it really. For what else could possibly be the point of subjecting the nation to an hour so mind-numbingly dull that grotesque hats become interesting?

Sure, sure… there's all that stuff about alleviating poverty, fighting crime and improving education, but how does that differ from the last State of the Nation address? In fact, there is the distinct possibility that this was the previous address. No one would ever know. Or care.

I briefly contemplated including some of Zuma's presidential words in this week's edition, but then the image of JZ intoning the successes and challenges facing the country in a monotone interrupted only by weird throat-clearing noises drifted into my head… and I fell asleep from sheer boredom.

So, if your name is Thabo Mbeki (and you want to check if Msholozi cribbed your speech) or Kgalema Motlanthe (ditto), you can read the speech in its coma-inducing entirety here. For everyone else, continue reading for the usual collection of chuckle-prompting mutterings.

ZUMA + ZILLE = ZUMILLA

Use it. Don't use it. Personally, I think Zumilla has a nice ring to it — somewhat like Brangelina. Minus the sex; and the horde of multiracial kids; and the hot factor. But still, now that reconciliation is on the cards…

In her State of the Province address, the premier acknowledged Zuma's spot at the head of the household… uh… nation.

"Every one of us here, in the government and in the opposition, acknowledges his position with respect," said the chastised (well, as chastised as she is ever going to get) premier, before launching into a scathing attack on the legacy left by the ANC in the province.

Having acknowledged his position, the Zillenator had no qualms cracking the whip: "Just three weeks into Jacob Zuma's presidency, there are disturbing signs that one of the most destructive trends of Thabo Mbeki's reign — towards the centralisation of power — is being revived and intensified."

Well… I'm pretty sure that things aren't always peachy in the Brangelina house either.

Apparently she also admitted that she may have erred in appointing an all-male cabinet. Apparently. In the absence of any concrete proof, however, I have begun to suspect that the ANC, tired of trying to bully an apology out of her, just made one up.

"The African National Congress welcomes the admittance by Zille that it was an error to appoint the male-only cabinet. We hope that going forward the premier and her party will seek ways of redressing this unfortunate epoch."

Erm… I suspect that 'epoch' isn't quite the word that they were looking for. Month, perhaps? Unless, of course, they were also referring to the male-dominated cabinet of Lynne Brown and the male-dominated cabinet of Ebrahim Rasool…

THE STATE OF THE NATION

Honourable Speaker; Chairperson of the National Council of Provinces; Deputy Speaker of the National Assembly and Deputy Chairperson of the NCOP…

Just kidding… here's the real state of the nation.

When asked by a schoolgirl what it is like to be president of the country Zuma said: "How is it? It's a huge task. It takes a lot that people of this country can trust you to head a government. We are still developing [as a country] the difficulties are not easy — but we have these ministers and the deputy president. They are very capable — sometimes we hide behind them."

Well, folks, there you have it: the difficulties are not easy. On the bright side, a little hard work never killed anyone. However, considering that this advice comes from one of our former health ministers, you can probably take it with a pinch of salt…

"I do expect people to work hard and of course I do also work hard as a minister so that people see that hard work never kills," said Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma about her new role in the Home Affairs department.

And, just to prove me wrong, the South African National Taxi Council claims to have listened to the State of the Nation address. Yip, secretary-general Philip Taaibosch was so moved by the president's monotone that he felt compelled to express his appreciation.

"As Santaco we are delighted that (Zuma) has proved beyond reasonable doubt that he is a man of his word."

Wow. He is truly skilled. Simply by using words he managed to prove beyond reasonable doubt (where have I heard those words before?) that he stands by all those other words that he uttered. I'm pretty sure that sentence is supposed to have the word 'actions' in there somewhere.

TOO GOOD TO RESIST

Freedom Front Plus leader Pieter Mulder on Zuma's attempts at Afrikaans in his address: "He spoke Afrikaans and he did it quite well. I'm long enough in South Africa to know if you're from KwaZulu-Natal or the Eastern Cape, Afrikaans is a foreign language".

Indeed. But the important question is: where was Mr Mulder before he came to South Africa? Oranja?

And here's something you probably didn't know about your new president. When asked about his hobbies, Zuma said: "I love sport, all sports I enjoy. I enjoy table tennis very nicely. I also sit with my little ones and we talk about everything under the sun."

Hah! Table tennis. Bet you had something else in mind.

And, finally, because a Week in Quotes is incomplete without the ravings of at least one trade unionist… "We don't believe Tito is the Father Christmas of this country," said Numsa general secretary Irvin Jim.

He isn't? Damn! Although, that would explain the unfulfilled wish-lists…

What has The Point overlooked? Share your favourite quotes from the week below…

The beggar gauntlet Rebekah Kendal reckons that begging is bad for SA because it fosters a culture of dependency.

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