I have a friend; he has a theory; it involves Jacob Zuma, Julius Malema, and a time-machine. Basic premise: Jacob and Julius are actually the same person.

The whole theory is pretty much founded on the fact that this friend (shall we call him Bob?) has never seen a photo showing off the wide smiles of both Jacob and Julius. That's pretty weird, right? Perhaps the dual appearance of past-Jacob and future-Julius would result in a fracturing of the time-space continuum. Who knows?

Ah, I know what you are thinking. The theory of Julcob makes about as much sense as Floyd Shivambu on a good day. But, let's see where it takes us. Come on… it'll be fun.

It all boils down to that pesky little two-term clause in the Constitution. Zuma knows he can only serve two terms as president, but by grooming Julius he can extend that to at least four. You have doubts? Proof from JZ: "We've got to talk to Julius; we've got to grown him [and] make him to become a leader that we want to know."

Further proof: they both have shiny heads.

I concede the theory is a little flawed (how did he manage to hide the time-machine when the Scorpions came a-calling?), but since when has good old common sense got in the way of a great conspiracy theory?

The third force

On the topic of conspiracy theories, the third force is alive and kicking — mainly in the Western Cape, but also in small pockets of government.

Zwelinzima Vavi set the tone when he lambasted government for threatening to stop soldier unionisation: "Honestly, they are reminding us of [Hendrik] Verwoerd."

Ouch.

The interim ANC leader in the Western Cape, Membathisi Mdladlana, on the other hand, has very set theories about who can behave like Verwoerd. Top (and bottom) of his list: the DA.

"We cannot meekly accept being governed by today's democrats who are yesterday's oppressors."

Ah yes, Helen Zille (for, technically, she is governor of the Western Cape) is the paragon of the oppressor. Her exposé on the death of Steve Biko notwithstanding, of course. Mdladlana may want to brush up on his political history — the DA did not actually exist in pre-democratic South Africa.

The following guy, it would seem, is stuck in pre-democratic South Africa (further proof of Bob's Julcob theory). Yes, the charismatic Julius.

"Let me tell you my friend, I have defeated you and your apartheid regime and I'm going to defeat you again once and for all."

Hmm… he may be taking a bit too much personal credit here.

"I am a child of heroes and heroines of the struggle. I am not a child of cowards and oppressors. I am not a child of an imperialist. I have defeated colonisers. I am going to defeat the children of colonisers."

Don't worry, you haven't missed anything important. That was young Julius's response to a question about his unpaid traffic fines totalling over R5000.

On page two: The Point puts forward the contenders for the Einstein Award… check them out and then vote in the poll.

The beggar gauntlet Rebekah Kendal reckons that begging is bad for SA because it fosters a culture of dependency.

Visit our politics page Need the latest political news, features, interviews and profiles? Visit our dedicated page...

Behind closed doors Rebekah Kendal reckons that the real losers in the Percy saga are victims of domestic abuse.