Conspiracy! Conspiracy! That, really, is my only reaction to the events of the past week. Well... that, and the irrepressible urge to stock up on microwave popcorn and set my television to automatically record every episode of Jozi Legal (mmm... I'll admit it, Law and Selebi was a close contender).

But I digress. Back to that conspiracy.

Point one: all legal cases involving high-profile political figures in South Africa always come down to at least one accusation of conspiracy.

Point two: the Shaiks are to conspiracy theories as JZ is to his indefatigable machine gun.

Point three: spooks eat, sleep and breathe conspiracy theories.

So, to tie that all up: Bulelani Ngcuka.

JZ appoints Moe Shaik to head up the Secret Service. This is only possible because of a taped conversation between Bulelani Ngcuka and Leonard McCarthy that led to the NPA dropping charges against Zuma. In the same week, Jackie Selebi accuses Ngcuka of orchestrating a campaign against him, which is theoretically only possible because Shaik's earlier attempts to have Ngcuka branded an apartheid spy failed.

Admittedly, I haven't quite figured out what the conspiracy is, but I'm fairly certain it involves a pipe, two metaphorical machine guns, and a telephone. It may also involve a pair of Thabo Mbeki's rather petite size seven shoes.

JOZI LEGAL

Whether it was necessary for Mr Selebi to sow the seeds of a conspiracy theory is a moot point... as always, the State seemed intent on sabotaging its own case.

"I am embarrassed... there was a typing error... and it was repeated," said State prosecutor Gerrie Nel.

And by typing error he meant 2005 instead of 2006. Yes, well, the 5 and 6 keys are right next to each other on the keyboard and, really, when it comes down to it, what's one year here or there?

And, while the State's typographical fumblings have lent the early stages of the trial a thrilling sense of recklessness, it is the testimony of Mr Agliotti that has made it truly popcorn-worthy.

"My lord, it's not easy being here. I don't particularly like Mr Nel [the State prosecutor] and I say that with respect. I believe the accused doesn't like Mr Nel and I don't think that many people that I know like Mr Nel, and I say that with respect."

Did I mention he was crying?

When, in the history of criminal trials has the accused (or for that matter the guy who cuts a plea bargain) ever been fond of the guy who is trying to stick them in jail?

Selebi took the theatrics sardonically: "He needs a box of tissues for tomorrow."

I suspect that, alongside Mr Nel, Mr Agliotti has also been scratched from the former police commissioner's friends list.

Then again, perhaps not.

This is the argument Selebi's lawyer Jaap Cilliers put to Agliotti during cross-examination.

"My instructions are, Mr Agliotti, that [a common kind-heartedness and charitableness] is actually the real point where your relationship with the accused developed. He was also a man passionate with helping the needy, helping the refugees, the people who suffer."

And there, folks, is why real life is so much better than television. How many legal shows have you seen dabble in parallel universes? Eli Stone doesn't count... he has a brain tumour.

Read page two... go on, you know you want to.