Despite trying unbelievably hard (okay, not that hard) to get our grubby journalistic paws on President Jacob Zuma's personal diary, we failed horribly. Yip, the security around Msholozi's desk drawer is no joke.

So, in an attempt to make up for this unforgivable investigative non-success, we've decided to bring you excerpts from what we think JZ may have penned in his journal in 2009.

Without further ado, over to 'Jacob'...

Please note, this is an attempt at satire and is not intended to offend or be taken seriously.

12 January 2009

Dear diary,
The cheek... you would not believe! Today, just two days after I launched the honourable ANC's manifesto for the April elections, that pesky Supreme Court of Appeal overturned comrade Nicholson's decision to dismiss the 'corruption' case (as if) against me. Now the NPA nincompoops want to charge me again! I'll need to get this sorted out before I'm president...

I bumped into comrade (can I still call him that?) Thabo today. He didn't look all that pleased to see me. His mood improved a bit when I poured him a whiskey and told him about my legal plight...

15 March

Dear diary,
I felt a warm, fuzzy feeling inside when the congregation at Pastor Ray's church gave me such a hearty welcome today. A few people disappeared when I got behind the pulpit; they must have left the stove on or something important like that. I mean, who wouldn't want to listen to Jacob Zuma's views on religion? It would have been more fun though if Ray let me sing and dance on stage...

2 April

Dear diary,
I spent the day whispering sweet nothings in the ears of Afrikaners at the Hilton in Sandton. I got a big round of applause when I closed with an authentic 'baie dankie'. Marthinus says my Afrikaans is getting better every day. But Julius hates it when I practice in front of him. He threatened "militant action" against me if I call him "grootbek" again. The youth of today...

6 April

Dear diary,
Ha! Two weeks ahead of the elections and I'm vindicated! Comrade Mokotedi said the decision was "difficult" for the NPA... it seemed pretty simple to me. Comrade Gwede interrupted my table tennis game with Sizakele, Nompumelelo and Thobeka to tell me the good news. Have you any idea how difficult it is to choose sides in a doubles game when you've got three wives? Nag, nag, nag... but I digress. Cloud? No, not even a mist... Bring on 22 April!

9 May

Dear diary,
Ah, what a day (despite the nasty weather... nothing more than an excuse for the media to make more 'shower' jokes). Don't know why Thabo was there; I certainly didn't invite him. Maybe he just wanted to see if my inauguration was glitzier than his? Well, did his cost R75-million? I didn't think so. Jacob 1-0 Thabo.

1 July

Dear diary,
Gugs starred in her first episode of Isidingo today. Nkosazana wanted to come around to watch our beautiful daughter on TV together but my wives were having none of it. I wish they'd trust me more; I found out the hard way that Nkosazana isn't 'the one' (or should that be 'the four'?) for me. Besides, how would a man and four wives ever play table tennis together? Someone would have to sit out. The spousal squabbles would never end...

Click through to page two to check out the second half of JZ's year...