The Point is looking for a spokesperson. Applicants ? those formerly employed by the Presidency will not be automatically overlooked ? must be able to pontificate on all matters on behalf of The Point. No expertise whatsoever is required.

The only requirement, really, is the ability to say a little a lot of the time. It doesn't even need to be the truth. Hell, it doesn't even need to make sense.

Applicants who make it through to the interview stage must be prepared to whip up a few tasty sound bites on the spot when presented with hypothetical scenarios.

For instance, if the given scenario were 'Jackie Selebi has been found guilty of corruption', you could say:

"The ANC is of the view that the law has taken its course and again, as part of the South African community, we reiterate our confidence in our judicial system."

Of course, if you said that, I would know that you were ANC spokesperson and occasional drunk Jackson Mthembu.

However, this does present a good teaching moment: all past statements hold no bearing on the current statement. So if, for example, the ANC has in the past expressed mistrust in the judicial system (hypothetically speaking, of course), it is perfectly acceptable to use the word 'reiterate' instead of saying 'the ANC has turned 180? and now (that the suspect in question has fallen out of favour) has faith in the judicial system'.

Rule one: take the moral high-ground

Take it from a seasoned professional, Floyd Shivambu: "The ANCYL hopes that the verdict will be a lesson to many leaders of the ANC, alliance and all leaders in South Africa that going against the law can tarnish a person's image."

Ahem. Yes. Why did a flashing sign reading 'Traffic fines: R2625' suddenly pop up in my head?

Rule two: punt your own agenda

Context only rarely matters. You'll be surprised how easily you can twist any scenario to suit your own agenda. All you need is a foot in the door. Scratch that. All you need is a map that shows you that there is a door?

Consider this magnificent example from the Zillenator: "The law has taken its course. That is the proper way for the justice system to function in a constitutional democracy? (and then, wait for it, the punt)? It is now time for the many other senior ANC politicians, not least President Jacob Zuma, who still have unanswered questions about corruption hanging over their heads, to also have their day in court."

And you thought the job of a spokesperson offered little room for growth.

Rule three: take credit where none is due

Any spokesperson worth re-quoting knows that it is okay to stretch the truth a little. And by a little I mean completely and utterly. Back to our friend Jackson:

"The ANC welcomes the decision by the IAAF to finally clear our 'golden girl', Caster Semenya, to participate in all athletics as well as the international ones as a woman. The decision by the IAAF of clearing Caster is a clear vindication of the ANC, her family, our government and all progressive forces who stood behind her during her time of need."

Erm? did you notice anything about the vindication of the 'golden girl' in that orgy of vindication? Nope? Personally, I like the way he squeezed her family in between the ANC and the government.

Floyd took the opportunity to pretend that the ANCYL plays with kids from other countries: "The ANCYL mobilised all youth formations and progressive voices across the world to condemn and denounce the exclusion of Semenya from international athletics and our strong voices were heard."

Well, your voices were heard. Mainly your voice and that of Malemamunchkin. But, thankfully, not around the world. And, while they were heard, there's no proof that anyone was actually listening.

Rule four: If all else fails, talk about sex

Ah, I know what you're thinking: it didn't work for Bill, it didn't work for Jacob, and it's not going to work for me. The trick ? which the ANCYL seems to have mastered ? is to talk about sex and other people. Feel free to make sh*t up.

Making his comeback following a period of World Cup exile, the chubby-cheeked one said some stuff about sex. He may have been trying to educate the masses about HIV, but it's equally possible that he was just boasting?

"Some in the industry are misusing their celebrity status and are sleeping around, that is opening a gate straight to the grave.

"If both of you are under the influence, then using protection is very difficult. There is no logic at 3am. You are tired and the sooner you are to deal with this thing, the sooner you can sleep."

Well, that's one way of looking at it.