Jacob Zuma probably follows a perfectly reasonable system when picking his top men for the security cluster. It probably involves careful contemplation and analysis of what would be best for the country. Probably.

Or ? and, really, this is where I'd put my money ? he writes down the names of all his buddies, pops them in a hat, and pulls out a name. Menzi Simelane. And from the other hat? National Director of Public Prosecutions. Oh well...

There really is no other explanation for why Zuma would have picked such a thoroughly unsuitable candidate to head up the NPA. Oh no, wait... Zuma, the NPA, history... I take that back.

THE THABO CARD

Everyone (and, by everyone, I mean the opposition) was outraged by Zuma's decision to appoint the chap who, until recently, was under investigation for his questionable behaviour during the Ginwala Inquiry. Except the ANC, of course. And the NPA, apparently.

"It's a perception that people in the NPA hate him. We like him, we welcome him," said NPA spokesperson Mthunzi Mhaga.

The lackey doth protest too much, methinks.

Not so for the opposition who, I suspect, had already prepared their missives of outrage and simply had to fill in Simelane in the spot designated [insert name here].

"It is difficult to imagine a more inappropriate choice," said the DA's Dene Smuts.

Not so. I can think of at least one: Michael Hulley.

And from one of the four Independent Democrats in Parliament (yes, the face, voice, and mascot of that thriving party):

"It is becoming clear that the ANC under Jacob Zuma is no different to the ANC under Thabo Mbeki when it comes to respect for the independence of the NPA."

Ouch. The Thabo card.

THE WHITE MESSIAH

The Thabo card ? while certainly novel and versatile ? is not likely to replace the race card any time soon. Not least because He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named won't loosen his sweaty grip on that card long enough for a shuffling of the deck.

Said Comrade Cronin about Comrade M:

"I suspect that comrade Malema and others are missing this bigger systemic picture because when they speak of mineral beneficiation they are thinking of bling... sorry, jewellery."

Said Comrade M to Comrade Cronin:

"[I] do not need the permission of white political messiahs to think."

A brief interpolation: permission becomes somewhat irrelevant if one lacks the ability to think.

Said Comrade M after the comrades of Comrade Cronin objected to the use of the race card:

"I do not qualify to be a racist. I am incapable of being a racist."

Perhaps only white messiahs have the necessary qualifications. Perhaps the chubby-cheeked-one is simply incapable in many fields.

After a brief spat, said Comrade Cronin to Comrade M:

"It was a silly comment and I apologise. I had not realised that... Malema had such a delicate skin."

A battle well won, Comrade M ? delicate skin beats bling any day.

THE MASCOT FOR EVIL

And finally, a quote that has absolutely nothing to do with Zuma, his NPA pick, white messiahs or the delicate-skinned-one.

"Five years on I am still a media favourite. A country sickened by crime must choose an official face for crime and a mascot for evil. Is it me?" asked Leigh Matthews's killer Donovan Moodley.

Erm... yes.

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