Regular readers of The Point's weekly musings will be aware that The Point is partial to the occasional pop quiz. This week, I'm taking it to a new level. Yes, folks, the cryptic clue.

Here's how it is going to work: I will give you (in no particular order) a series of clues; your task is to match the clues to the quotes*.

I know, I know, when you woke up this morning you had no idea that your day would turn out to be this exciting.

The Clues

1. Mentor to those specialising in alternate understandings of the law


2. Law-enforcing gastrointestinal expert


3. Militant kindergarteners


4. One + five = 19


5. Atlas proficiency


6. A grainy non sequitur


7. Sheriff of the free world


8. Bilingual jetsetter

*The Point acknowledges that there are two reasons why this little game might not work. One of them is that the clues are not particularly good...

IT'S MY PARTY...

Few organisations know how to throw a bash like the ANC ? and this is not only because they occasionally involve bared bums and flying chairs. This year, Fikile Mbalula decided it would be a good idea to lay down some ground rules.

"If anybody is constipated and wants a place to release it; it is not the place. If you have, we have pills for that."

Interestingly, he is not talking about the lavatory and squadrons of dedicated comrades have not been afflicted with bowel discomfort. Nope, our Fikile is referring to the habit that some comrades have gotten into of booing fellow comrades. He may have confused the letters 'b' and 'p'.

Equally confused ? and this really comes as no surprise ? are the chaps with a penchant for occasionally showing their displeasure by dropping their pants.

"The ANCYL celebrates the fact that our gallant, revolutionary and disciplined Youth League has been part of the ANC for the 65 years of the ANC's 98 years of existence," boasted an ANCYL statement.

The Point recommends a dictionary.

As it turned out, not a single chair was thrown. In fact, His Highness... er... President Zuma took pains to emphasise that the alliance was stronger than ever, stating that it was a "dynamic and very vibrant organ with thinking members who have strong views."

If I were Freud, I would probably have a lot to say about that sentence. I may even mention Zuma's prolific progeny.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

If you know what is going on in the whole Shaik-pardon-debacle, you are a few steps ahead of our good president, who may soon deny knowing the terminally-ill Schabir altogether.

The DA have spent much of the past week trying to prove that Zuma lied when he said he knew nothing about Shaik's appeal, but the best retort that they could come up with was this:

"The president should not wake up one morning and decide to grant a pardon because his breakfast cereal told him to do so."

Note to the DA's James Selfe: if your breakfast cereal is talking to you, it might be time to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. Unless, of course, you are eating Rice Krispies.

As it turns out, Shaik has been a bit of a bad boy. After he broke the conditions of his parole, he was, according to Sonwabo Mbananga, given a written warning that if he were to do so again "he would be re-accommodated at a correctional services facility".

Imagine that mouthful on a Monopoly board.

AFRICA IS NOT A COUNTRY

Two big events from the past week: rebels carried out an attack on a soccer team in Angola and a man was eaten by a shark in Cape Town. Someone had best warn those tourists frolicking on the island of Zanzibar to stay out of the water.

Following the global freak-out about security for the World Cup, Danny Jordaan decided that it was time to give a brief geography lesson.

"It doesn't make sense. If a bomb went off in Spain, do you think I should call England to ask about what the impact is on the Olympics England is organising? I think if something happens in France, you'll know it happened in France, not elsewhere."

Barring the rather random reference to France, he has a point. Bheki Cele, on the other hand, does not.

Complaining that the British football club owners wanted to withdraw their African players from the African Cup of Nations following the attack, Cele said: "It's a slave mentality, [it's as] if they own them".

Yip, slaves who get paid exorbitant sums of money to play football. Where do I sign up?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Finally, the quote of the week ? Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa, outlining the consequences of not using the firearm amnesty period, said: "If they don't volunteer, come April 11 die poppe gaan dans".

In Afrikaans nogal. Something which says one of two things about Nathi: either he thinks all criminal gun-owners are Afrikaans, or he reckons a threat made in Afrikaans is just so much more... um... threatening.

The Point is only mildly offended that you didn't bother to match up the cryptic clues and invites you to post your own below...