My father who art in government, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done in Joburg as it is in Nklandla. Give us this day our daily gossip...

Stuff the land of the AbaThembu, welcome to the Zumanation. Literally. Yip, soon his Royal Highness Msholozi will have ensured the ANC's eternal success (or at least until the Second Coming) by fathering the majority of the voters' roll.

Assuming he's got another nine years on the throne ? even a man as virulent as Zuma has to face the inevitabilities of age ? Zuma has 3285 days to... er... make hay while the sun shines. I reckon there's a record in there somewhere.

Doing what any teenage boy would do, Prez JZ kept his mouth shut about fathering another little bundle of joy. He kept his mouth shut when the baby was born. He kept his mouth shut when he told a gathering of world leaders about how much he loved his wives. And he kept his mouth shut while the country freaked out.

And what a freak-out it was.

CAN YOU SPELL H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E?

Madam Zille (been there, done that) was rather subdued in her criticism: "President Jacob Zuma's behaviour directly contradicts the government's campaign against multiple sexual partners and the inherent Aids risk in having unprotected sex.

"...If Jacob Zuma says unprotected sex with multiple partners is bad in public, he is expected to uphold these values in private, otherwise there is little or no reason to take seriously anything he or his government says."

When Zuma finally came out with a statement, this was his response: "I have said during World Aids Day that we must all take personal responsibility for our actions. I have done so. I have done the necessary cultural imperatives in a situation of this nature, for example the formal acknowledgement of paternity and responsibility, including the payment of inhlawulo to the family."

Sneaky, Mr President, but we're not buying it. Here's the problem: the kind of 'responsibility' you were talking about on World Aids Day was the kind that comes before you have unprotected sex with a mistress. The kind of responsibility you're talking about now is the kind that comes after you've accidentally impregnated her.

The other opposition leaders went straight for Zuma's gonads.

"His continued use of African custom as a smokescreen is also no longer acceptable. Polygamy is not promiscuity and his behaviour is not justifiable under any circumstances," said Terror Lekota, before urging South Africans to "tell President Zuma to start behaving like a president and not a gigolo."

The Christian Democratic Party drew on the icons of modern (and not-so-modern) times: "Our country needs a leader acting as a moral compass, not a president imitating Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton and King Henry VIII all in one, and all for the wrong reasons."

As far as I know, Zuma has not, as yet, executed any of his wives. More of a lover than a hater that man.

The ANC were, for once, surprisingly reticent. The spokespeople muttered one-liners about privacy, 'consenting adults' and 'closed chapters', and the Child of the Revolution said less than he's said in... well... ever.

"We are Africans and sitting here all of us, Zuma is our father so we are not qualified to talk about that," said Malemamunchkin.

Hmm... perhaps he is not a child of the revolution after all.

The hitherto unheard of Communication Workers' Union (CWU) filled the void left by the chubby-cheeked-one's new-found respect for his elders.

"The media's obsession and interference at President Zuma's private life aims at re-engineering society to conform to the capitalist sex 'norm' of one man and one woman for life, thus denying the complexity of human sexuality."

So many big words in one sentence (proof that they belong to the CWU). What a pity, really, that when all of these big words are thrown together, they make very little sense. It may be time for the CWU members to find a new union. Or, better yet, a new profession. Wait, there's more.

"...This witch-hunt directed towards President Zuma seeks to reinforce the idea in the public sphere that it is morally wrong for either President Zuma or women to be sexually intimate and impregnate each other outside the institution of marriage."

Now, if one of Zuma's women manages to impregnate another ? or, even more astonishingly, the president himself ? that would certainly be newsworthy.

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