Please note that this is satire and should not be taken seriously. All quotes and quoted persons are entirely fictitious.

President Jacob Zuma's office has announced plans to introduce military ranks into the 'spousal department'.

Jacob Zuma's latest spokesperson, Left Atthealtar, said the idea was put forward in an attempt to re-introduce discipline into the presidential household.

"It is no secret that there have been a few squabbles between President Zuma's better halves, erm, thirds, erm, quarters," said Atthealtar.

"During President Zuma's last table tennis training session, his partner General Cele ? who has one of the meanest lobs in government, by the way ? suggested the only way to get a grip on things was to militarise the multi-matrimonial makeup."

Atthealtar revealed that there had been a number of complaints from each wife, and even the odd girlfriend, about a lack of respect in the president's spousal structures. Cohesion, he said, is the key.

"We know that behind every successful man there is a great woman. Scratch that... four great women. At least. Don't include that first part in the quote, okay?" Atthealtar said.

Meanwhile, the Democratic Alliance's shadow minister for Spousal Support, Barnard Dianne-Kohler, slammed the move, branding it "a return to apartheid-era marriages".

"The DA has learned that the spousal structure's return to apartheid-era ranks will be gazetted on 1 April," said Barnard.

"We consider it entirely reprehensible that the scourge of cronyism has now entered the president's nuptial arrangements. Each wife should have one president," said Barnard, before breaking into a rendition of "One crony, one wife".

A source close to Zuma's homestead in Nkandla says first wife Sizakele Khumalo is already insisting she be addressed as 'General'. Nompumelelo MaNtuli, effectively Khumalo's number two, reportedly has her eye on the Corporal tag.

The latest addition to the stable, Thobeka Madiba, appears certain to be relegated to Lieutenant level, despite accompanying the president on his recent jaunt to the United Kingdom. Zuma's fiancee, Gloria Bongi Ngema, is likely to receive the lowest ranking, that of Private.

The president's office has denied rumours of the proposed militarisation of Zuma's offspring, saying the sheer number of individuals involved make the task impossible.