ANC members loyal to ousted president Thabo Mbeki say if they form a new party, it will be "way better" than the party organised by current ANC leaders, with pumping drum-and-base deejays, a chill room, a large selection of finger snacks and drinks out on the patio, and a grand finale where thousands of balloons will be dropped from the ceiling.

Mbeki and most of his supporters are currently living in tents on the banks of the Jukskei River, but spokesman Pinkerton Makulu denied that they had been evicted from their ministerial residences and were rather engaged in a bosberaad to plan their rival party.

He also rubbished reports that Mbeki's favourite suit had been eaten by slugs, which was why the former president was wearing a string vest and polyester jogging shorts.

However, he conceded that the Zuma camp was currently living in buildings with flush toilets and not in tents, but said that the outdoor life had helped give Mbeki's followers a fresh perspective on the value of service delivery and the more complex issues of modernity, such as how to keep raw sewerage away from the supply of drinking water.

Addressing the media from on top of a log, Makulu said that when Mbeki loyalists formed their own party it would be "off the hook".

He said that the Zuma camp had showed that they had an outdated idea of how a party should be run.

This included a heavy reliance on parlour games, fruit punch, gift packs, an overwhelming appeal to populist sentiment, the silencing of dissent, and lots of sugary and starchy snacks.

"The modern party, if it is to be truly raging, needs to have at least two deejays. And foam," said Makulu.

"Loads and loads of foam so all the honeys can get good and soapy and then bust their moves on the dance floor and be all... soapy."

"Malema an enigma" — Makulu

Asked if ANC Youth League president Julius Malema posed a threat, given his reputation as a hip-hop dancer of note, Makulu said that the Mbeki camp was not worried.

"Julius is an enigma," he said.

"Sometimes he spends hours just jumping up and down.

"Sometimes it's hip-hop, but sometimes he's just jumping up and down.”

He said that Mbeki was open to settling any lingering disputes with a dance-off, but it is unknown whether he would opt for traditional break-dancing or whether he has been coached in any hip-hop variations.

For more from SA's best satirical website, www.hayibo.com, please click here.

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