The small Northern Cape community of Orania has unveiled designs for the world's first koeksister-fuelled nuclear reactor, to be built as part of the town's plan to be completely non-reliant on Eskom. The announcement comes ten years after Orania's engineers finally gave up on their dream of building a nuclear-fuelled koeksister reactor.

Speaking at the launch of the project, lead engineer Oom Kallie Knagel, 84, told reporters that the initial breakthrough had come thanks to research by Tannie Yvette 'Vet' de Wet, who had discovered the immense energy-storing capability of locally made koeksisters.

"Tannie Yvette came to me with a Tupperware of koeksisters she'd bought at the church bazaar," said Oom Kallie. "They looked like normal koeksisters, but Tannie Yvette explained that they were hyper-saturated with energy."

According to Oom Kallie, these "hyper-saturated" koeksisters had caused Tannie Yvette to gain 75 kilograms in nine days.

"The people here say a lot of unkind things about Yvette," he said. "But 75 kilos in nine days seemed like a hell of a lot, even by Yvette's standards."

He said further investigation had revealed that one kilogram of weapons-grade koeksisters contained roughly the same number of calories as one kilogram of uranium, and that the town would soon be reliant on home-baked nuclear energy.

"Basically it's simple. We smash koeksister isotopes into each other, and the energy released heats water which turns turbines, or else is siphoned off to make a nice cup of moer-koffie. We call this process nuclear Fissan."

He said that this was different to nuclear fission, and involved "an old Ford Escort engine, some barrels, about two miles of pipes, and lots and lots of Fissan nappy-rash paste to keep it all lekker lubed up".

The breakthrough has been hailed in the small town, but many locals are still haunted by the heartbreak of Orania's last nuclear project.

A 1998 attempt to build a nuclear-powered koeksister reactor ended with two deaths and nineteen gastric bypass operations.

"It was fantastic while it was working," recalls Oom Kallie, then a junior apprentice in the fledgling nuclear programme. "We had bought almost-spent uranium rods from Koeberg, and we were just pumping out the koeksisters. 80, 90 tons a months."

Within a year Orania had flooded the international koeksister market, and in 2001 prices crashed worldwide; but the Orania plant continued to churn out the treats around the clock.

"And that's when it all went bad," remembers Oom Kallie.

"At first it was just a couple of people with stomach pains.

"But when the longdrops in Orania started catching on fire, and Tannie Yvette slimmed down to 134 kilos, we knew something was wrong."

Investigations revealed the horrific truth: radioactive material was seeping into the koeksisters.

"It was a nightmare", says Oom Kallie. "People were poeping out things with a half-life of 5,000 years."

However, he says he and the folk of Orania are looking forward.

"That is our motto. Look forward and backwards. Politically in the 19th Century, scientifically in the 22nd Century."

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