Take a deep breath. Calm your heart rate. Step away from your keyboard and withhold your angry rant. This is all just an April Fool's joke.
The Presidency has announced plans to allow public tours of President Jacob Zuma's Nkandla compound.
According to project coordinator Irma Lillywhite, the tour will include sections popularised by Public Protector Thuli Madonsela's recent report on Nkandla, including the restroom facilities, parts of the bunker, elevators, and the chicken run.
She said visitors will be able to experience what it is like to live as South Africa's number one citizen and – weather permitting – may be allowed a dip in the infamous "fire pool".
"Visitors will definitely be able to see in detail how their money has been spent," Lillywhite said.
A source close to the Presidency said that the tours were planned in order to help Zuma cover a portion of the R246-million upgrade, as the Public Protector recommended.
The insider added that the idea came about after a group of Zuma's family and friends visited the White House in Washington DC on a recent holiday. They were reportedly left impressed by the lavish lawns, sparkling pool and immaculate ablution facilities of American President Barack Obama's official residence.
According to the source, the public tours – initially intended to be free of charge as a gesture of goodwill – were supposed to be kept under wraps until a special announcement on Freedom Day (27 April).
The source said that bad press resulting from the Nkandla report and Madonsela's recommendation for Zuma to repay a portion of the costs forced the Presidency to change their plans.
Lillywhite refused to comment on the exact cost of the planned Nkandla tours, but said that it "wouldn't cost much more than a trip to Gold Reef City or Ratanga Junction". She also added that special discount vouchers for the Nkandla tour would be mailed out to taxpayers who submitted their tax returns on time.
At the time of going to press, it was still unclear how visitors will travel to the compound, considering the high-profile security measures put in place to protect the South African public's largest collective investment.
However, it is believed that visitors will be collected from a series of rendezvous points – similar to the Park 'n Ride facilities put in place for the 2010 World Cup – scattered within the larger region surrounding Nkandla.
Nevertheless, Lillywhite believes it will be well worth the effort to make the trip out to the uThungulu region of Kwa-Zulu Natal.
Said Lillywhite: "It really is great fun for the whole family, especially the chicken run, that is my personal favourite. It's a blast!"
This is an April Fool's Joke, but if this were true, we'd totally go on a tour.